Excerpt from my book "Ode to Bad Plumbing and Other Serious Poems for the Modern Age" Copyright 2009

This is an excerpt from my book "Ode to Bad Plumbing and Other Serious Poems for the Modern Age". It is from the short story "Welcome to Waist Watchers" which follows our loopy dieter and her dog Little in their endless quest to find fulfillment both spiritually an stomachly speaking

Good Morning Diary!

I know I have been lax in my attention to the chronicles of my life but I have resolved to rectify this laxity and touch bases with you once again.

I regret to say that since you and I last talked, I have been on a binge of sorts and now I have every Hostess Cupcake, Twinkie and HoHo outlined indelibly on my butt. In fact, the dimples in my cellulite have aligned themselves to read “You’re Chubby!” in large backwards letters so that I can enjoy reading it when I peer at my rear in the mirror. There are more letters in small print but I cannot make them out clearly and I have the horrible impression that they are curse words so I’ll just leave those out.

Part of my resolution to get back in touch with you is also a resolution to finally and completely handle the issue of unwanted weight gain. I have joined “Waist Watchers” and have elected you to the post of “Waist Watcher’s Food Diary” which is all important when one is trying to handle one’s weight. So, unless you have any objections, let’s get started!

“Waist Watchers” Food Diary

Day 1

8:00 P.M. I got on the scale today. I really should have dieted for a week or two before I did that but Dr. Phil told me that a person must confront a problem at its absolute worst and only then can they make the required changes. Lately, as you know from my earlier entries, I’ve been packing on the tonnage. Every time I take a bath, well, let’s just say I am a barge illegally loaded way beyond the plimsoll mark.

I’m a busy person. I used to think that being busy would keep the pounds at bay. I was wrong. The Dr. Phil episode yesterday (Featuring an interview with Ben and Jerry which is why I tuned in in the first place) was a turning point. Right then I decided that it is time to confront my fatness.

Before I got on the scale I took Polaroids of myself in my underwear from all angles. These will be my “Before” pictures. I hope these do not fall into enemy hands because I look like some sort of perv Pillsbury Dough Boy with a granny underwear fetish. I bravely resisted the urge to bury my head and sob uncontrollably so I shed some quiet tears of protest instead. I guess I didn’t realize the extent of back fat bulges I had. I could draw eyeballs on them and those coupled with my ill advised angel wing tattoo of a few years ago just above my giant butt, would look like a huge grinning ape. Thank God it is in the back so people only see it when I leave the room. It looks like I have “back boobs”! Honestly if I could take all my bulges and magically convert them to boob fat I would be the most sought after person at the Hooters.

In my defense though, I have to state that I have inherited the worst physical attribute in my family. My dad had a butt like a grave digger’s shovel, wide and flat, and I am unfortunately cursed with the same affliction. It doesn’t get cuter and perkier as I gain weight. It just gets wider and looks older and sadder. Right now it looks like I have a big bag of sand in my drawers and most of it is frantically trying to escape out the bottom. But, Diary, that is all in the past because today we are celebrating the birth of “The New Me”!

I acted immediately and joined “Waist Watchers Online” so I don’t have to get in the car and go all the way down to the gym where it is held. Plus, who wants to be trapped in a smelly gym with a bunch of fat people. Not me!

It seems that the first step to successful weight loss is to “weigh in”. This I did. Then I took off my earrings, went to the bathroom and “weighed in” again. I think there is something wrong with my scale because my weight didn’t go down by much.

I weigh more now than I did after going on that month long culinary tour of Italy! That was the fattest I have ever been and now I am even fatter. I got so depressed I downed a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and half a package of sugar donuts. I feel better now, more able to confront the huge task before me. Since I have already blown my diet for today I went ahead and finished off the package of donuts with the absolute certainty that tomorrow I will be a pillar of strength and moral rectitude. I will be so good I will lose 4 pounds in one day. That is my goal. To bed!

Day 2

9:00 A.M. I got up this morning and did some exercise. I guess it counts as a couple of exercise points. I did a lunge and held it for 20 seconds. I figure that since I am so fat at this point, the lunge counts as extra points because I am lunging more fat than other dieters. Later today I plan to lunge with the other leg but for now I need to rest. I’ll watch the Food Network for awhile and get more low fat ideas.

1:00 P.M. I watched the cooking channel for awhile and got some great ideas. It got me inspired to go and cook. I started cooking up a bunch of “Pasta Alfredo” which magically calls for no fats or oils. You’re supposed to put together the ingredients in a certain order and dirty up every dish in the house. I didn’t see the point so I put it all in one pan on the stove and went off to try and perform my other leg lunge. This was a mistake because a short while later I smelled something that smelled like a burning hair taco wrapped up in a full diaper tortilla, and came back to find my “Pasta Alfredo” smelted to the bottom of the pan forever and always and the smoke detector going hoarse in panic.

With lunch ruined I ordered a low fat pizza from the pizzeria. I had them leave off the sausages. I think that is the only fattening thing on a pizza (ergo low fat). I wolfed much of that down and calculated the points. I believe that each slice counts as a point simply because it is the easiest and most logical way to count points. I weighed myself after lunch and I am up a few pounds but I think that happens as your body reacts in shock to the new lean way of eating.

2:00 P.M. I am starving after my low fat lunch. I peruse the options and note that an apple is one Waist Watcher point. I found an apple pie in the freezer; let’s see probably one point for the apple, another point for the crust and a half a point for the sugar in the pie. Hmmmm, 2.5 points total. Not bad for something so delicious. Dieting is really not that hard once you get used to it. I am right on track.

5:00 P.M. I actually ate several portions of the pie. I’m sure that you get a point discount when you eat in bulk so therefore I am estimating a total of about 5 points for the pie. I forgot how many points total I get but I think I have about 6 more. Let’s see, what to have for dinner… Oh, with all the excitement and the kitchen fire and all, I forgot to do my second lunge today but I did walk down to the mail box. I think that counts as a point so I am ok on that score. Oh! And I walked back so chalk up another exercise point! I also get a few points for the frantic waving of dish towels to try and put out the smelting fire. These points will provide a nice buffer in the case of a possible miscalculation of “Waist Watcher” points. I should be dropping weight by the ton!

I think for dinner I should just go with a portion of meat and a bunch of vegetables. When I saw Dr. Atkins on Conan, he explained that with the Atkin’s diet you can eat all the meat and vegetables you want. I see no reason why that should not work as well here. I will cook up this 16 oz Ribeye that I have in the fridge. Even if that is a lot of meat, I know that vegetables actually leave you with a calorie deficit because it takes more calories to digest them than they have in them. It follows that if I eat a huge volume of vegetables, I can counteract even more calories. That is what I will do. Pillar of Strength! Moral Rectitude! Onward Diary!

9:00 P.M. Now I am really hungry. All the vegetables at dinner gave me Diarrhea which is also a weight loss alternative. I am quite sure I pooped out all my dinner calories not to mention the exercise involved in the cramping before the holocaust so to speak. I count that as another exercise point. I feel weak. I’d better have a donut.

10:00 P.M. This is quite a learning experience for me. I learned today that I should have polished off all the donuts in the house yesterday because I cannot be trusted being alone with them. However, I consider that donuts are about a point each and I ate a dozen. This can still work out with a minimum of cheat points as dinner has been subtracted and I actually only went over about 6 points. That coupled with my exercise points should bring me in ahead. I can’t wait to weigh in tomorrow! My pants fit better and I went ahead and did some shopping on the net. I ordered a bunch of clothes in a size 9. I’m sure I’ll be wearing them by the end of the week! Well, good night Diary. Let’s congratulate ourselves on a new thinner lifestyle!