What Me Preach?

What me Preach?

Gather unto me my children for Lo! This night I feel a Preachin’ comin’ on! I feel the need to speak and the choir has apparently taken the last charabanc out of Jerusalem and betrays no sign of looking back.

Thou hast said unto me that there is “Nothing To Eat In This House”. These are lies and blasphemy for I have just come from the Safeway and thy larders are full. Thou hast been blinded by the lies of thine enemy. I weep for thy blindness and yet seek to repair thine eyes to the Truth.

Thou shalt repair to thy room and behold the mess thou findeth there. Thou shalt banish the spilled coke from thy carpet lest lice and vermin findeth comfort there. Thou shalt rise up and smite the 6 foot cockroach who hath found blessed shelter in your closet. Rise up Christian and smite him!

Thou shalt purge thy filthy laundry as it doth reek like the winding sheet of a dead leper. Thou shalt findeth the departed mouse in the bottom of the arc of thy laundry and purge its small, yea, smelly vessel as he resideth already in a tiny Laz-E-boy on the right hand of God and hath resideth there for some time now.

Go thou to the Safeway and behold the blessed aisles filled with loaves and fishes there! Thou shalt choose thine own flavor of ice cream and shelter and comfort it lest it melt away like a filthy liar faced with Truth. Thou shalt fill thy basket with frozen pizzas, Doritos and chicken wings if that be thy heart’s desire. Thou mayest put on 20 pounds of useless fat upon thy carnal self if that be thy wish. Thou mayest fill thy veins with cholesterol, choking them for eternity without fear for Lo! Mom has given up.

Thou art free! Go thou and do all of these blessed things. Elsewise thou canst just zip it and eat the stale Cheetos thou findeth in the cracks of the couch.

Mom