Well Diary Its Sunday here and the weather is beautiful which makes me realize beach season cometh and that means I'd better address these thighs. (I'd like to adddress them to China but unfortunately they are attached.)Little and I plan to go for a walk today. We have decided that gentle persistence is the way to successful weight loss.
The area I walk is very hilly and this gives us much needed aerobic exercise. I hate aerobic exercise but there is not much I can do about that. Huffing and puffing depletes calories like a Lamborghini Mercialago depletes oil rich countries. I have to turn my 1970's VW body into a Lambo and run on rich fuel. With that in mind I had several pancakes for my diet breakfast. Little also had some sausages. They were turkey suasages and tasted ike unlit cigars but he liked them. We are launching our walk in a bit. Since Sunday is a day pretty much devoid of waist-friendly stress the walk will be a substitute.
Meanwhile let's talk Loofah!
I saw an ad yesterday that promotes Loofahs as the new weight loss miracle. Apparently you get a large Loofah and rub all the fat off you. Loofahs are imbued with magical qualities that, as you rub, melt fat on the inside of your body and you just simply pee it out! With that in mind I went to the Wal Mart and purchased several mattress sized Loofah's. I cut them into bite sized pieces and when Little and I shower we are going to Loofah off several tons of unsightly body fat. Then we are going to pee for hours and then go bathing suit shopping. It is perfect! I have a giant Loofah supply that I am storing in my wine cellar for emergency binge Loofahing in the case of a food diary black out period. I'll let you know how it goes. By tomorrow I intend to look just like the Victoria's Secret models. I imagine they have been privvy to the Loofah secret the entire time. Time to share the wealth girls!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Secret Weight Loss Strategy from the Pros
Well Diary today was an interesting day. Or let's just cut the junk and call it what it is....STRESSFUL! I personally welcome stress as it leads to successful weight loss. Stress speeds up your hear rate thus affording you exercise just sitting there panting in an office chair. One should actively seek out stress because, as is medically proven, the body needs exercise and what better way than exercise without physical exertion? Plus people pay you to be stressed so I say "Go with the flow!"
As prev mentioned today was a day fraught with exercise in the form of stress. First off, my tire on the right fore wheel was low. I did not pump it up at the gas station because I need my exercise even when driving to work. This afforded a golden opportunity for stress especially when the meth addict in the lane next to me decided to take an extended "trip" in a traffic lane that existed only in his diseased head, narrowly missing me as I pounded my foot down on the gas and waited for my lame front tire to take hold and get me out of the way. This is the equivalent of many Waist Watcher exercise points.
Secondly I went to the Trader Joe's only to find a lousy 2 boxes of my wheat-free, gluten-free, sugar-free frozen waffles? Geez! These will barely get me through the day. What about dinner?! (See? Stress!)Ironically in obtaining the waffles I burned off about 7 of them on the form of stress exercise points.
Another strategy is drinking far too much coffee. This is effective in 2 ways: First it induces stress and second it fills your tum with an overabundance of much desired acid which will keep you from eating anything but TUMS for the rest of the day. (2,2,2 diet secrets in one!)The TUMS themselves are of course, calorie free because they are neutralized by the coffee induced stomach acid. See? its nothing but win, win with me.
Ok so in summary, Diary, the food tip of the day is GET MORE STRESS! Drink far too much coffee and seek out cretins on the freeway who are likely to slam into you and result in even more weight loss while you recover from your coma and are eating through a tube (A known and proven weight loss method!) Go try it out! Happy Dieting!
As prev mentioned today was a day fraught with exercise in the form of stress. First off, my tire on the right fore wheel was low. I did not pump it up at the gas station because I need my exercise even when driving to work. This afforded a golden opportunity for stress especially when the meth addict in the lane next to me decided to take an extended "trip" in a traffic lane that existed only in his diseased head, narrowly missing me as I pounded my foot down on the gas and waited for my lame front tire to take hold and get me out of the way. This is the equivalent of many Waist Watcher exercise points.
Secondly I went to the Trader Joe's only to find a lousy 2 boxes of my wheat-free, gluten-free, sugar-free frozen waffles? Geez! These will barely get me through the day. What about dinner?! (See? Stress!)Ironically in obtaining the waffles I burned off about 7 of them on the form of stress exercise points.
Another strategy is drinking far too much coffee. This is effective in 2 ways: First it induces stress and second it fills your tum with an overabundance of much desired acid which will keep you from eating anything but TUMS for the rest of the day. (2,2,2 diet secrets in one!)The TUMS themselves are of course, calorie free because they are neutralized by the coffee induced stomach acid. See? its nothing but win, win with me.
Ok so in summary, Diary, the food tip of the day is GET MORE STRESS! Drink far too much coffee and seek out cretins on the freeway who are likely to slam into you and result in even more weight loss while you recover from your coma and are eating through a tube (A known and proven weight loss method!) Go try it out! Happy Dieting!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Time for cake
Well I got on the scale today and my weight, (like Lazurus) Hallelujah it has risen!!! Which is also a miracle because I ate next to nothing yesterday. Soooooo I did what any right thinking dieter would do in such dire circumstances, instead of teaching my belly dance class I called my partner and we cancelled and went out for cake.
This was the best thing I could do given the circs.I am now skipping dinner (which is a form of fasting, which we all know pulls the weight from your bones like a vulture picking dead matter off of road kill) Therefore by tomorrow I should be down several pounds. I also had an epiphany today which was quasi painful but necessary and that was that I have with held new clothes from self until I reach some magic weight. I also realized that times have changed since my ballet days and since the '80's when we were all expected to look like walking clothes hangers in order to consider ourselves beautiful. I also realized that men really don't think that way. I saw Zac Ephron on TV last night and he said he loves chunky ladies.I think most guys do. Further I don't think they look at our asses and think (OOOO FAT!) I think they look and think "Wow! Nice!" With that in mind I went net shopping and bought some really bright colored clothes. It is time to re-define the way we think of ourselves. Michelangelo had the right idea. His women were stunning and did NOT look like Renaissance clothes hangers. They looked like good and honorable women.Michelangelo knew about beauty so let's go back to his vision of honor and truth.Then let's all go out for cake.
This was the best thing I could do given the circs.I am now skipping dinner (which is a form of fasting, which we all know pulls the weight from your bones like a vulture picking dead matter off of road kill) Therefore by tomorrow I should be down several pounds. I also had an epiphany today which was quasi painful but necessary and that was that I have with held new clothes from self until I reach some magic weight. I also realized that times have changed since my ballet days and since the '80's when we were all expected to look like walking clothes hangers in order to consider ourselves beautiful. I also realized that men really don't think that way. I saw Zac Ephron on TV last night and he said he loves chunky ladies.I think most guys do. Further I don't think they look at our asses and think (OOOO FAT!) I think they look and think "Wow! Nice!" With that in mind I went net shopping and bought some really bright colored clothes. It is time to re-define the way we think of ourselves. Michelangelo had the right idea. His women were stunning and did NOT look like Renaissance clothes hangers. They looked like good and honorable women.Michelangelo knew about beauty so let's go back to his vision of honor and truth.Then let's all go out for cake.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Womans curling..alternate weight loss plan
Its Friday night, just LIttle, Me and .....women's Curling. OK having watched a bit of women's Curling I see that I could do this sport. It is likely one of the few sports I could actually do given the fact that I am a lazy fat thing. Little and I have decided that we are going to take up this Curling sport because we have been practicing those little moppie things all our lives. It looks simple. The one chick lets the big fishing weight slide on the ice and the others run in front mopping frantically. I would be a natural since frantic mopping is what I am best at! Little has been practicing his part. He is acting as a dummy fishing weight and I have been sliding him across the just mopped kitchen floor all evening. The best part about it is that we are now in a sport which means the weight just falls off our bones magically! That is the way with all sports. We can get the trim shapes we want without breaking a sweat. There is only one down side as far as I can tell. You have to walk on ice which means cold feet for me and a frozen tum for LIttle. Oh Well, small price to pay for a trim figure and a gold medal. See you in 4 years!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Egyptian Book of the Dead. Diet tips for the afterlife?
WAIST WATCHERS FOOD DIARY STAR DATE 15 FEBRUARY 2010.
Well diary, yesterday was Valentine's day and today the chocolate is gone leaving only a bitter guilt aftertaste and several unnecessary and unsightly bulges. Oh My God! thank heaven there are a few more months before we have to face down bikini season. My plans for turning self and Little orange through excessive carrot consumption (thus avoiding the tedious tanning process) met with disaster. Little had the deadly carrot induced dog miasma and spent the evening outside while I ended up with a carrot induced stomach ache that lasted all night. I don't think any one can eat that many carrots. I'm going to have to come up with a plan "B". As far as weight loss, the stomach ache helped with that and carrots, for that reason are a great diet aide since one cannot eat anything when one is ill of a surfeit of them.
Still, Little and I are quite excited about our future postmortem plans for eternal slenderness and we have been trying on strips of rags just to see how we will look in the afterlife. It is easy to see why mummies stay slim. I have read the Egyptian Book of the Dead. Death seems so simple but those Pharaohs spend eternity positively sprinting from one end of the afterlife to the other trying to escape from all manner of nasty other dimensional creatures who are bent on eating their souls. This is the Waist Watchers equivalent of many exercise points. If you are a deceased Pharaoh you'd better be on the ball. Little and I are thankful we are just a couple of grunts and other dimensional creatures seemingly do not like our souls as they are probably diet food and we all know how appetizing that is. Little's and my souls are probably the Egyptian other dimensional creature's equivalent of carrots.
Well diary, yesterday was Valentine's day and today the chocolate is gone leaving only a bitter guilt aftertaste and several unnecessary and unsightly bulges. Oh My God! thank heaven there are a few more months before we have to face down bikini season. My plans for turning self and Little orange through excessive carrot consumption (thus avoiding the tedious tanning process) met with disaster. Little had the deadly carrot induced dog miasma and spent the evening outside while I ended up with a carrot induced stomach ache that lasted all night. I don't think any one can eat that many carrots. I'm going to have to come up with a plan "B". As far as weight loss, the stomach ache helped with that and carrots, for that reason are a great diet aide since one cannot eat anything when one is ill of a surfeit of them.
Still, Little and I are quite excited about our future postmortem plans for eternal slenderness and we have been trying on strips of rags just to see how we will look in the afterlife. It is easy to see why mummies stay slim. I have read the Egyptian Book of the Dead. Death seems so simple but those Pharaohs spend eternity positively sprinting from one end of the afterlife to the other trying to escape from all manner of nasty other dimensional creatures who are bent on eating their souls. This is the Waist Watchers equivalent of many exercise points. If you are a deceased Pharaoh you'd better be on the ball. Little and I are thankful we are just a couple of grunts and other dimensional creatures seemingly do not like our souls as they are probably diet food and we all know how appetizing that is. Little's and my souls are probably the Egyptian other dimensional creature's equivalent of carrots.
waist watchers food diary star date 15 February 2010.
Well, valentine's Day was a diet bust! We are entering the food diary black out period that goes from February 14th until the candy disappears. Until then it is a truffle orgy.
Little is lying on he floor in a chocolate dipped stupor while I reach both hands over my giant belly and type this. Once the chocolate is gone I will be thin once more.
Also once the chocolate goes it will be time to really sit down and confront swimsuit season. And NO! I refuse to wear any bathing suit that has a skirt attached to it. Those are just LAME no matter who designed them or what they look like! Plus they add a lot of drag while you are trying to swim. Nope! There is nothing for it but to buckle down and get some exercise. I may join a gym again. I like the gyms that have little seats where you sit while you lift weights. All it needs is a little table for snax and off you go! Hope has once again risen from the dust of regret! I am rehabilitated!!!! Its off to the gym!!!!
Well, valentine's Day was a diet bust! We are entering the food diary black out period that goes from February 14th until the candy disappears. Until then it is a truffle orgy.
Little is lying on he floor in a chocolate dipped stupor while I reach both hands over my giant belly and type this. Once the chocolate is gone I will be thin once more.
Also once the chocolate goes it will be time to really sit down and confront swimsuit season. And NO! I refuse to wear any bathing suit that has a skirt attached to it. Those are just LAME no matter who designed them or what they look like! Plus they add a lot of drag while you are trying to swim. Nope! There is nothing for it but to buckle down and get some exercise. I may join a gym again. I like the gyms that have little seats where you sit while you lift weights. All it needs is a little table for snax and off you go! Hope has once again risen from the dust of regret! I am rehabilitated!!!! Its off to the gym!!!!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Hey Mr. Imhotep. Do these rags make me look fat?
Waist Watcher's food diary 14 Feb 2010; 4:20 P.M.
Well here we are home again. The Tut exhibit was great! We love the Boy King! Little and I breezed through the security line. I had a baggie full of green spirulina in my hand bag and I anticipated a huge problem at security because it looks like finely ground, high grade marijuana (or what I would anticipate finely ground, high grade marijuana to look like because I really don't know, really, really, really!) Anyway, I opened my bag and started on long winded explanations. The guard cut me off and waved me through which make me realize he, himself has a lot of experience with finely ground, high grade marijuana (or spirulina).
Little was a good dog in his Petco Smuggle Purse so they didn't even look in there.
We entered the gallery and it was very dark so I spent a good amount of time tripping over people and walking all over their feet. Little enjoyed that and got a great laugh when I almost went ass over tea kettle in a heap over a tiny little old lady that someone had left lying around right in the middle of the gallery! Move it sister! Research stops for no one! Nonetheless we enjoyed the Xrays of the perfect mummies and after much research and discussion Little and I have decided to change our last wishes and wills and testaments to include mummification. The reason for this is lucid to the most clear thinking dieter and it is this: These mummies are all very thin! Their hip bones gracefully protrude and they have cheekbones to die for (Literally!). With this in mind we can weather the most unethical food diary black out period (black out periods occur when we go nuts and eat anything not nailed down)while still knowing that some day in the future, possibly 3200 years from now we will be thin. As we read on a gravestone once, our words will echo into the future...Thin At Last, Thin At Last, Thank God Almighty I'm Thin At Last!!!!!
Well here we are home again. The Tut exhibit was great! We love the Boy King! Little and I breezed through the security line. I had a baggie full of green spirulina in my hand bag and I anticipated a huge problem at security because it looks like finely ground, high grade marijuana (or what I would anticipate finely ground, high grade marijuana to look like because I really don't know, really, really, really!) Anyway, I opened my bag and started on long winded explanations. The guard cut me off and waved me through which make me realize he, himself has a lot of experience with finely ground, high grade marijuana (or spirulina).
Little was a good dog in his Petco Smuggle Purse so they didn't even look in there.
We entered the gallery and it was very dark so I spent a good amount of time tripping over people and walking all over their feet. Little enjoyed that and got a great laugh when I almost went ass over tea kettle in a heap over a tiny little old lady that someone had left lying around right in the middle of the gallery! Move it sister! Research stops for no one! Nonetheless we enjoyed the Xrays of the perfect mummies and after much research and discussion Little and I have decided to change our last wishes and wills and testaments to include mummification. The reason for this is lucid to the most clear thinking dieter and it is this: These mummies are all very thin! Their hip bones gracefully protrude and they have cheekbones to die for (Literally!). With this in mind we can weather the most unethical food diary black out period (black out periods occur when we go nuts and eat anything not nailed down)while still knowing that some day in the future, possibly 3200 years from now we will be thin. As we read on a gravestone once, our words will echo into the future...Thin At Last, Thin At Last, Thank God Almighty I'm Thin At Last!!!!!
Welcome to Waist Watchers, My Philosophy.
Weight management has always been a particular challenge of mine. As a teenager I was studying ballet under teachers who idolized George Balanchine and his dancers. Although Mr. George was a genius, he preferred dancers who looked like escapees from Auschwitz. Much as I thought I was master of my own destiny, it wasn't long before I entered into eating disorder land in an attempt to force my body weight down to 110 pounds ( I am 5' 7" tall). Obviously this was a recipe for disaster and although I have grown and found a dance style that is much more forgiving (belly dancing), I still look in the mirror on a daily basis and wish I was a bit thinner.
With that in mind, I have developed a way of taking control over this situation and have decided to poke fun at it. "When in doubt belittle it until it submits" is my philosophy when dealing with strange ideas.
That said I am embarking on my Waist Watcher's food diaries again. I will try to post something every day. It will be designed to enlighten and entertain and best yet, poke fun at ridiculous ideas about body image and weight loss. Hopefully other normal sized ladies will find comfort here and laugh until they roll about on the floor vowing to have another cookie and live life to the fullest.
Accompanying me on my journey is my Chihuahua,Little. He has his own issues with weight management, namely "How can I get as round as possible in the shortest amount of time without mom stopping me?".
Today Little and I will be going to the King Tut Exhibit in San Francisco. Fortunately I have the Petco Dog Smuggle Purse so that his presence will be kept secret. We intend to study this exhibit diligently as we have never seen anything but a slim mummy.
I will post my findings here. Onward Diary! The honorable Tut awaits!
With that in mind, I have developed a way of taking control over this situation and have decided to poke fun at it. "When in doubt belittle it until it submits" is my philosophy when dealing with strange ideas.
That said I am embarking on my Waist Watcher's food diaries again. I will try to post something every day. It will be designed to enlighten and entertain and best yet, poke fun at ridiculous ideas about body image and weight loss. Hopefully other normal sized ladies will find comfort here and laugh until they roll about on the floor vowing to have another cookie and live life to the fullest.
Accompanying me on my journey is my Chihuahua,Little. He has his own issues with weight management, namely "How can I get as round as possible in the shortest amount of time without mom stopping me?".
Today Little and I will be going to the King Tut Exhibit in San Francisco. Fortunately I have the Petco Dog Smuggle Purse so that his presence will be kept secret. We intend to study this exhibit diligently as we have never seen anything but a slim mummy.
I will post my findings here. Onward Diary! The honorable Tut awaits!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Waist Watchers once Again!
Food Diary 13 February 2010
Little and I had decided that we were going to embark on a new food plan. Summer is coming and in order to circumvent the tedious tanning process we decided to turn ourselves orange. With that in mind we both ingested a huge pile of carrots at dinner. We are hoping that by tomorrow morning we will look like a couple of Oompa Loompas.
Unfortunatley carrots made evil magic occur in Little's interior and wet, heavy miasmas of deadly vapor escaped from his backside. He has been banished to the outdoors until he can produce an orange poo which, like a flag of surrender will tell me that the danger is past and he will be welcomed back indoors.
Still and all I am convinced that I personally am on the right track here and I can't wait till tomorrow when I can go without panty hose and flash my orange extremities while simultaneously denying the use Mantan.
The weight management issues continue! Little will try a different tack; perhaps fruit with his kibble. We shall see what tomorrow brings.
Little and I had decided that we were going to embark on a new food plan. Summer is coming and in order to circumvent the tedious tanning process we decided to turn ourselves orange. With that in mind we both ingested a huge pile of carrots at dinner. We are hoping that by tomorrow morning we will look like a couple of Oompa Loompas.
Unfortunatley carrots made evil magic occur in Little's interior and wet, heavy miasmas of deadly vapor escaped from his backside. He has been banished to the outdoors until he can produce an orange poo which, like a flag of surrender will tell me that the danger is past and he will be welcomed back indoors.
Still and all I am convinced that I personally am on the right track here and I can't wait till tomorrow when I can go without panty hose and flash my orange extremities while simultaneously denying the use Mantan.
The weight management issues continue! Little will try a different tack; perhaps fruit with his kibble. We shall see what tomorrow brings.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
